You must login (register) to review.
Reviewer: cutielady Signed [Report This]
Date: May 21, 2009 - 03:06 pm Title: Shadowsword

My only crituque of this is that its simply too short :). This is a wonderful installment I absolutely loved the discription of the goddess you did a marvleous job with her. Hugs my friend. Job well done.

Reviewer: cutielady Signed starstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 04:11 pm Title: The Apprentice

The story has gained momentum and imagery as it went on. Still try to remember that you need dialog, action and imagery to really make the story come alive. Each one is a little stronger in each chapter.

Reviewer: cutielady Signed starstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 02:54 pm Title: Friends And Foes

The momentum seems to be picking up at this point. More questions that keep the story interesting and strong.

Reviewer: cutielady Signed starstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 02:43 pm Title: Aradonarraine

Intruiging, I like the depth and new characters here. You've also used more sensory imagery here which makes for a stronger story.

Reviewer: cutielady Signed starstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 02:31 pm Title: The First Test

Excellent if gruesome imagery. Very nessaccary though. Balanced writing. Questions left making the reader want to continue reading is one of your strongest talents.

Reviewer: cutielady Signed starstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 01:35 pm Title: Path Of Destiny

I love the humor here, dialog continues to get smoother. Still you need more sensory details. What does the king look like? What is the voice like? Deep high gravely? Also the infusion of the Elf at the end is a good attention getter.

Reviewer: cutielady Signed starstarstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 01:28 pm Title: Johan's Mother's Tale

Excellent dialog and good story flow with this one you really linked the two chapters which had been a slight gap inbetween the others.

Reviewer: cutielady Signed [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 01:01 pm Title: The Attack On Tarnis

Wonderful this one had quite a bit more imagery. In each chapter there should have some image of what Johan looks like. How has he aged what clothes is he now wearing give the reader a written picture of what you see.

Reviewer: cutielady Signed starstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 10:42 am Title: Johan and the King

Wonderful diaglog and heart with the king. What does balston look like? What does the kings room look like? Where are they? Is it cold or hot clean or dirty?

Reviewer: cutielady Signed starstarstar [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 10:40 am Title: Johan - the Chosen

Stronger turns of phrase here with more middle age sounds. More sensory perception needed, colors, feel, smell.

Reviewer: cutielady Signed starstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: May 01, 2009 - 10:38 am Title: Johan - The Beginning

Good imagery, you show heart where he interacts with his dog. Best is you leave the reader wanting to know more. Remember to stay in period some turns of phrase are more middle ages than others.

Reviewer: cis Signed [Report This]
Date: Jan 17, 2009 - 02:53 am Title: The First Test

This is a grand adventure and a wonderful coming of age story. I can't wait for more.

You must login (register) to review.
The Foyer - faq - Contact Us