Date: May 21, 2009 - 03:06 pm Title: Shadowsword
My only crituque of this is that its simply too short :). This is a wonderful installment I absolutely loved the discription of the goddess you did a marvleous job with her. Hugs my friend. Job well done.
Date: May 01, 2009 - 04:11 pm Title: The Apprentice
The story has gained momentum and imagery as it went on. Still try to remember that you need dialog, action and imagery to really make the story come alive. Each one is a little stronger in each chapter.
Date: May 01, 2009 - 02:54 pm Title: Friends And Foes
The momentum seems to be picking up at this point. More questions that keep the story interesting and strong.
Date: May 01, 2009 - 02:43 pm Title: Aradonarraine
Intruiging, I like the depth and new characters here. You've also used more sensory imagery here which makes for a stronger story.
Date: May 01, 2009 - 02:31 pm Title: The First Test
Excellent if gruesome imagery. Very nessaccary though. Balanced writing. Questions left making the reader want to continue reading is one of your strongest talents.
Date: May 01, 2009 - 01:35 pm Title: Path Of Destiny
I love the humor here, dialog continues to get smoother. Still you need more sensory details. What does the king look like? What is the voice like? Deep high gravely? Also the infusion of the Elf at the end is a good attention getter.
Date: May 01, 2009 - 01:28 pm Title: Johan's Mother's Tale
Excellent dialog and good story flow with this one you really linked the two chapters which had been a slight gap inbetween the others.
Date: May 01, 2009 - 01:01 pm Title: The Attack On Tarnis
Wonderful this one had quite a bit more imagery. In each chapter there should have some image of what Johan looks like. How has he aged what clothes is he now wearing give the reader a written picture of what you see.
Date: May 01, 2009 - 10:42 am Title: Johan and the King
Wonderful diaglog and heart with the king. What does balston look like? What does the kings room look like? Where are they? Is it cold or hot clean or dirty?
Date: May 01, 2009 - 10:40 am Title: Johan - the Chosen
Stronger turns of phrase here with more middle age sounds. More sensory perception needed, colors, feel, smell.
Date: May 01, 2009 - 10:38 am Title: Johan - The Beginning
Good imagery, you show heart where he interacts with his dog. Best is you leave the reader wanting to know more. Remember to stay in period some turns of phrase are more middle ages than others.
Date: Jan 17, 2009 - 02:53 am Title: The First Test
This is a grand adventure and a wonderful coming of age story. I can't wait for more.